I don't want to close my eyes
by aiwa
Summary: The dream of the past is haunting Chihiro, but she cannot do anything other than going on with her life, until one day she comes back to the spirited world, but many years have passed...the summary is pretty clique', hopefully the story is better Ch10 up
1. Coming back

I DON'T WANT TO CLOSE MY EYES

CHAPTER 1

_I don't own any Spirited Away' characters._

I had the same nightmare every night since the day I left the spirit world.

And I cried every night for eight years. The same tears of my obsession.

It was about him.

Haku.

The dream was not long, the time to figure out two people talking in Boh's room. Haku standing in front of Yubaba.

"I'm gonna tear you into pieces if she goes away..."

"I will accept it.."

Words that tormented my nights, searching in my mind the images, the memories of Majou no Sekai.

I had changed. The spirit world actually made me different.

I realized what courage was, I realized the important things, at least I thought I did, and I followed my beliefs from that day on..

And I trusted, I trusted so much Haku's promise, even now, I knew he wanted to keep his promise, I knew it in my heart, even when doubts challenged my mind, even when my imagination started creating images of him going away from me... I was in love for eight years, in love with a guy I hadn't seen for eight years.

It was pathetic maybe, but it was my life.

I trusted him.

Or better, I loved him.

That was why I couldn't face the dream, I couldn't stop worrying. My life stumbled every day, but I kept smiling, I kept the courage I had at Aburaya.. I knew nothing of this world could be compared of what I survived there, and I kept smiling.. even though inside I was worrying.. I couldn't believe the dream was true.. I didn't want to. For eight years. It was consuming me.

"I can't believe it.. this make no sense at all.."

I stayed silent looking at him.

"you are serious?"

"I am.." I mumbled.

"you don't want to date me because you're in love with a don't-know-guy.."

"yes, you can put it like that."

"oh come on! I know you don't date anybody, so please at least grant me the truth.."

"it is the truth, I'm in love with someone else…"

"and who is this guy? Tamata-san... Kojiro-kun? or maybe sempai Yamago.."

"no, they are just friends…" I replied rolling my eyes.

"you never talk much to other guys, who is he then?"

"I told you, I am not dating him, the truth is I don't see him at all.."

I was a little annoyed at that time.

"oh well, sorry to say it, but it's a little weird…" he burped sarcastic.

"well, what should I say? It's not like I can decide I'm loving him now, and a sec later I don't love him anymore... I just love him, no matter where he is, or whatever he is with me or not.."

"that's non-sense... what is he doing now? He should stay with you if you love him.."

I thought about his words a little.

"love's not a business contract... he doesn't have to do anything to be loved... I just love him... besides, I doubt he loves me back…" I trembled saying these last words, but it was what I thought... I know I trusted him... but we were friends back then, nothing more... I guess I couldn't expect anything.

"you're such a stupid... why don't you just move on?"

"because I love him, I told you, this is not gonna change…"

"you're such a stubborn!" he yelled.

"if you say so." I said looking at his embarrassed eyes.

"but I like you that way, too... maybe it's because of your strength... it's because you seem to know the answers.." he sadly whispered looking at the grass under our feet.

My heart ached. I couldn't do anything, I couldn't say yes, if I didn't really mean it, could I?

I know Haku would have not come soon, but even so, could I just go out with somebody I didn't care about?

"what kind of answers?" I asked.

"what make sense here in this world…"

I felt so guilty being so insensitive about him... but I didn't have the power to do anything else.

"I'm sorry, I don't know the answer... I'm sorry.."

"you're not." he said running away.

I was eighteen... I did change, I was taller, thinner, I was even kind of cute.

I didn't know if I really had the strength he was talking about, I knew I had the power to believe in people, believe in what I was doing more than anybody else... but that was just because I saw what a humble little human girl can do to survive, I knew how Hope could be strong.

That day I left school earlier, I just wanted to relax, away from questions, away from people who wanted to talk.

I needed silence, the silence I could watch outside the window of the Yubi's cafe.

I could see the abandoned theme park from there. I could dream about seeing Haku running towards me. It was my favorite thought.

I could only think about him.. I missed him so much.

Do you still remember me, Haku? I asked myself falling asleep.

I woke up haunted by the same nightmare. I was about to cry. Tossing some coins on the table I ran outside.

My mind was screaming Haku's name.

This time there was blood in the dream.

I couldn't help, I start running towards the tunnel, inside the forest, till I was in the dark and then again in the soft light of sunset, in the river, and finally in the park. I was once again in the park.

My mind could think of nothing but blood. I was going crazy... Yubaba... if you did something to Haku... I swear I'll kill you... I will..

I ran, ignoring the spirit-people I was knocking away... I couldn't care less...

I wasn't myself, I was just worried to death... I was in love.

"Haku!" I shouted getting on the bridge to Aburaya.

I was feeling sick, I didn't even realize I was there for real.

And he appeared. He appeared so beautiful... I didn't remember so well, how wonderful was his gaze, and how white was his skin.

He was alive.

And surprised.

I fainted.

_Pls read and review._

_I don't own Spitited Away, not its characters, and I didn't do this because I wanted to gain anything from it._


	2. Waking up

I DON'T WANT TO CLOSE MY EYES

CHAPTER 2

_I don't own any Spirited Away' characters._

I woke up with the light of a cold morning. I was feeling sick, trying to hold up my head I looked at my watch.

I hope it's not time to go to school yet..- I whispered.

I don't think you're going to school today...- said a voice I needed some time to recognize.

I kept my breath for a while.

I was in the spirited world for real? How did I came here?

I couldn't remember what had happened to me.

Rin was in front me. Or at least she looked like her.

R-Rin-san?-

that's me.- she smiled happily: - you needed quite some time to come back visit, uh?-

oh Rin!- I said trying to forcing myself up, but my body didn't react. I realized then that somebody was looking at me from behind her back... a green-eyed beautiful guy... the most beautiful guy I ever saw.

And it was Haku. An eighteen-year-old Haku.

I couldn't say anything. My body was tired, my legs were trembling.

I felt so fragile.

what are you doing here Chihiro?- he asked coldly, not looking at me.

My heart was aching, pushing against my chest... but it couldn't challenge the happiness I could feel seeing him alive.

you're so beautiful Haku.-

I said turning to look at the ceiling.

I left some tears crawl through my cheeks. I didn't want to see anything else. I felt like I couldn't do anything less than sleep.

I heard voices while I was waking.

why didn't you keep the promise Haku? You know she is so weak because she came back for you!- Rin was shouting. She wasn't really somebody who could keep an argument secret.

Was I supposed to keep the promise?-

you're miserable... who are you trying to fool?-

shut up.-

The panel of my room violently swung open, it was Haku. He came to sit beside me. Silently put a hand on my forehead, he was warm, I liked the contact so much.

you know I heard everything...-

He was surprised when I opened my eyes.

I smiled.

- you don't have to feel guilty, I came because I was worried, I trusted your promise, but that was my choice, you didn't have to keep it...-

Chihiro.-

I feel sick Haku.-

I could not face him. I turned away. His eyes were breaking my heart.

I felt so stupid, because I believed in the promise so much, because I hoped so much..

He put a hand on my wrist, but I couldn't really feel anything.

I'm sorry I don't love you.- he whispered, finally stabbing my soul.

i-it's ok.- I chuckled.

I looked at him coldly trying to believe I wasn't there for real. He got up making a weird grimace, something I couldn't understand, then he left.

I felt my heart imploding, my mind bouncing inside my crane. My tears were choking me and the pain was playing with every single part of my heart, I could only hear his words, mocking the sentence of my execution. I was so stupid.

I woke up again the next day. The world around my futon was foggy for the tears that were still hurting inside. I stood up. Didn't really feel like I was living.

I went to the balcony to look outside.

The Aburaya was closed.

The garden outside was empty except for Haku and Rin. Still talking. Still arguing.

She was following him around the grass, and he was trying to get away.

She seemed desperate.

you're a monster!- she shouted with all the strength she had inside.

I stared at them. I could feel Haku was sad, his back was bowing under some kind of an invisible burden. He was sorry for me, feeling guilty.

I wiped the last tears away, I really wanted to be happy, at least because I could see Haku alive for the while I could stay at Aburaya... I will have all the time of the world to be sad once I'd got home.

Maybe he met another girl, or maybe he just didn't love me. I made myself detached from those thoughts, it was hurting too much... I thanked myself for the first time in a long time for the capacity I had to pretend nothing of that matter.

Haku entered the balcony while I was still looking outside. I could recognize him, don't know why, with no need of turning around.

I smiled.

I must look horrible... I had such bad nights... am I allowed to use some kind of bathroom?-

He was surprised once again.

yes, Yubaba said you can stay as long as you want.-

oh, how cute..- I said disconnecting myself from what he was saying and watching a little sooted ball coming up from the boiler room.

he came here to great you.-

I can't believe he remembers me.- I blinked happily petting the little thingy.

it seems he does.

nothing has changed here, hasn't it?- I asked looking at him for the first time directly in his eyes. I saw his sadness pushing inside of him, there was something tormenting him.

don't feel guilty Haku, please, I hate it.-

I'm sorry...-

I was agitated once again.

I understand that. Don't bug me about it anymore, uh?-

I'm sorry.-

I shook my head.

Getting near the bed I got the pillow up, and putting as much energy as my anger could recollect I slapped him with it.

stop it, uh? or I will hit harder, I promise.-

I looked at him. He couldn't smile even now. Was I so miserable?

I seemed that every time we met he felt worse and I couldn't do anything.

I tried to smile again.

why does Yubaba let me stay here?- I asked changing the subject.

He looked outside the window for a moment and then he shrugged.

She probably has a plan on you...- he said simply.

I laughed a little.

I thought that.-

you shouldn't trust her...- he whispered sadly.

I realized something suddenly.

Haku.-

I saw him shiver hearing his name.

you remembered your name, didn't you? You shouldn't be here right now... you should be to your river...- I was slowly following my thoughts: - why are you still here at the Aburaya?-

He still wasn't looking at me, his gaze was too far away from me.

I had to stay here.-

but why?- I asked nervously: - why didn't she let you leave? I thought the spell broke, and you were free..-

He breathed deeply.

it's kinda complicated.-

I led myself in front of him, tying his eyes with mine.

what happened?-

I promised Yubaba I would stay.-

but why? you told me you were going to come back to your river...-

He turned around, looking for the door. He was confused.

that's the past, it doesn't matter anymore..-

I care about it!- I shouted angrily.

that is not my problem.- he replied coldly.

He tried to leave but I grabbed his hand.

I had the same dream every night for eight years.. it was you and Yubaba in her office.. she said she was gonna tear you into pieces if I went away... and you accepted..-

I felt his muscles suddenly tense.

did that happened for real?- I asked already knowing the truth.

it's non-sense talking about the past...-

I tightened the grab.

in the dream.. last time I had it... I saw blood... that's why I came here... I was worried...-

you shouldn't have come.- he grunted forcing his wrist away from my hand and leaving the room.

He left me there, with his cold words aching in my heart. I had so many questions itching inside me, but he didn't want to answer any.

Hi, thank you very much for the review Mnemosyne, if it's not a problem I hope you can tell me what were the mistakes I made so that I can correct them, English is not my first language, so I often don't realize I'm making mistakes. I'll anyway read it at least one more time. Please read and review also this chapter.


	3. The meaning of suffering is never told t...

CHAPTER 3

Those days I was feeling often sick and weak, I couldn't stay out of bed for a long time, after a while I eventually got really tired, but I was getting better, I guess recovering.

Rin asked me to stay for a while, she was sure crossing the river as I was would have made me feel worse, or even make permanent damage on my brain.

I didn't know if she was saying the truth, I wasn't able to understand what she was thinking, she seemed always so worried, and she had the same sad look I could see on Haku.

But I couldn't really think about her, I feared the sickness I felt inside, I was afraid it was just heart ache, it was just the consequence of my broken hope. And I was selfishly staying at Aburaya.

My hope was something I had strong inside for eight years, though, years that now felt like eternity. I lost every single day of my life since then believing in something so stupid, and maybe I was still believing in it. My hope wasn't to die before me.

Still stubborn.

Why could my heart not believe reality?

I slept in the same futon every night, above the boiler room, the nightmare stopped haunting me for a while, but I couldn't know for how long.

I wasn't allowed to leave the room. Rin didn't want me too, at least not before I would recover properly.

I was just sitting there most of the time, looking at the empty blue landscape, thinking about Haku, or living through every little memory I had of this place. A lot of things I hadn't remembered before came to my mind. Little memories of that far away past I was missing so much

I usually told them to a silent Haku, who just waited there for something I didn't know, something we wouldn't talk about. He came every day with nothing to say.

Sometimes waking up in the middle of the night I had seen him looking at me from the opposite side of the room. His body half covered by the shadow, he was just sitting there sadly, and I could feel his gaze on me. Silent.

I didn't understand.

Till the day I had the nightmare again.

I woke up screaming, looked at my hands, they were covered with blood.

Tears, sorrows, everything was bringing my mind away, my heart was beating so fast, I couldn't breathe nor control it.

"Haku!" I shouted painfully, and I started coughing.

Around me everything was darker than usual I couldn't see anything.

I was shaking, shivering, I could feel cold drops of sweat running through my forehead. I shouted Haku's name again. I was so desperate. I wanted him.

When I started crying somebody moved.

It was Haku.

He came closer. Kneed beside me.

I closed my eyes, trying to slow down my breath. I couldn't really help but cry.

Even now that he was so close.

He hugged me strongly, letting my head rest on his chest.

I hugged him back as strong as I could, I wanted to hear his heart beating, just to be sure he was with me, alive. I just wanted that for such a long time.

All these years worrying, all that sorrow, the promise I believed in... did I waste my time?

"I'm sick of this dream Haku, I can't stand you suffering... I can't." I said weakly.

"I'm sorry."

I was exasperated.

"what are you sorry about?"

He hugged me more.

"everything."

No more words again.

I woke up that morning and I was still in his arms. He was still holding me softly.

I could feel him breathing and for a while I felt happy, I just needed that for such a long time. I loved him so much.

I opened my eyes slowly, I didn't want him to go away. I didn't want to realize it was just a dream... making it disappear.

He was looking at me. He was sad.

And I felt guilty.

I got up leaving his arms behind, suddenly feeling so cold.

For a moment I didn't want to go on living.

"sorry Haku... I'm sorry... you didn't have to be so nice... it's me... I just need to move on... I guess... I need some time... I'm okay now... Sorry..."

I didn't really know what I was trying to say, I was confused.

He looked at me.

His eyes were stuck into mine.

"don't leave me behind." he said slowly.

I blinked surprised.

"w-what?"

He realized what he just said and shook is head.

"I'm sorry... I shouldn't be here... I'm sorry..." he said nervously getting up, and quickly leaving the room.

No time to question.

I heard him coming back that night.. this time he sat closer, in front of me looking for my hand and grabbed it with sweetness.

I slowly caressed his hand, for him to realize I was awake. Everything was so strange, he was too strange.

"you're back." I said bringing his hand to my face. I wanted to feel the warmth of his skin.

"I'm sorry." he said with an half-broken voice.

"why?"

" because I can't help it."

"what?"

"I can't help wanting to see you... Or touch you..."

"I don't understand."

"I promised myself I wasn't gonna say anything..."

"about what?"

"you should go back to your world."

I lifted my eyes towards him. His muscles were getting tense again.

"why?" I asked questioningly.

I saw him shrinking his eyes, as if his head suddenly ached.

"you just have to go back..."

"Rin told me..."

"when you recover, you need to go back..." He was suddenly so far away.

Cold again.

"I'm not gonna see you anymore, am I?"

"I told you... I don't love you..."

My heart screamed again.

Tears started rolling down again, silently.

"It doesn't matter, I know that... but... you don't even care for me as a friend?"

"no."

I sobbed.

"why are you treating me like this? You forgot about me? I thought we were friends! You just held my hand... why did you change suddenly?"

"we're not friends anymore... I told you, that was the past... you don't have to care about it anymore.."

He paused and breathed slowly, I couldn't see his eyes anymore.

"if you stay here I will have to kill you..." he whispered.

My eyes widened in the dark.

Suddenly so cold, I couldn't quite believe a moment before he was so close. For a moment I felt his heart so close to mine and now, why was he treating me like this? Why now?

"well then... I'd like to die." I answered. Not really knowing what I was doing.

He moved violently towards me, grabbed my wrist against the wall, so strongly that hurt.

I moaned.

"don't say that, not even for a joke..."

I was angry inside. I couldn't help the feeling.

"I'm not joking."

He was so near, I could see his face in the moonlight, now, and he was beautiful, I couldn't stop thinking it.

"Stupid! You can't say something so stupid!"

"why?"

"because you have to live..."

"Haku, you are already killing me, you know?"

He looked at me, five centimetres away from my eyes, he could see my pain, I felt it inside him, in his mind, and I couldn't help but cry, because his gaze was telling me something I wasn't able to understand.

He almost started to lean toward me, with some kind of a sparkle in his eyes, but a little movement of my head make him come back to reality, he left my wrist turning around, making me fall on the floor.

"why is it so difficult? I thought meeting you again would had been so easy, like a fairytale, because what I lived years ago was that, a fairytale no one believes, you would be running towards me... and I would do the same... it was my dream... why is everything such a mystery? why are you giving me so many doubts? I feel your heart is not talking with your cold words..."

He looked at me standing in the dark. No sounds around us.

"I know I'm stupid believing such things... but I hoped so much.. it seems so impossible you just forget about our friendship..."

"I didn't forget, I just changed..." he whispered.

I shrugged.

"I changed too... I'm not a little girl anymore.."

"I know you aren't.." he sighed.

"you won't love the person I am now..." he continued. I looked at him questioning.

"you're not to choose that."

I tried to go closer, but in the shadows I stumbled on something on the floor, my ankle ached a little.

Before I had the chance to get up, he was kneeling in front of me, searching something in my eyes.

I raised my hand to his neck and I touched it, he was warm. His skin was calling me near.

"you should go home..." he said resentful, but he wasn't moving.

He just kept repeating it, grabbing my wrist and shaking... He looked so sad, as if he was about to cry... you should go home Chihiro.

"I want to stay with you, Kohaku." I said breathlessly. I just couldn't help.

His eyes widened, still staring at me.

"why are you saying this? you could die for it."

"I told you.. I don't care..."

"you must live." he shouted pressing his finger around my arm.

I waited. I didn't know if I could say what I wanted to say...

"I-..."

I held my breath.

"I don't want to live without you... Haku..."

Wicked. I was evil. I know it wasn't the right thing to say, I would have let him feel worse, guilty again. I was evil, and so ashamed of myself, I was about to speak again.

"you're stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Why are you talking like this? How can you discard life like this?"

I looked at him.

"I'm sorry Haku... don't feel guilty please... don't.. I don't want you to feel guilty."

He shook his head.

"I'm not feeling guilty!" he shouted.

"so why are you so sad?" I cried back.

"because I"I..."

He got up quickly leaving me behind.

"Haku." I protested.

I got up to, getting close to him.

"I don't want to see you sad anymore..."

"than you shouldn't be here..." he stammered looking at me in the eye.

I closed mine, breathing slowly, I was making myself so ridiculous.

"you will be happy if I will be gone?"

"yes, I will." he said still tormenting me with his eyes.

I grimaced nervously, tears were ready to flow and drown me.

"than just go away... don't ever come back... until I will be gone... and you won't have to worry anymore... you won't have to see me."

I said slowly. He didn't move.

"just go away!" I shouted.

He breathed in and slowly proceeded to the door.

"you're not gonna see me anymore... for ever... I promise.. I'm not gonna bug you more... you're not gonna see me anymore... for ever... we won't see each other anymore... forever." I repeated trying to realize it.

He stopped, hearing my madness. I was sobbing incessantly.

But nothing was going to stop him now, and he left.

_I don't own any Spirited Away' characters._

_Please review _


	4. Think about it

Chapter 4

_I don't own any Spirited Away's character._

I really wasn't sure what to do. The idea of going away from him never crossed my mind once.

I thought sometimes that I wouldn't be able to come back to Majou no Sekai, thought that I might have not seen Haku and Rin again, thought that they had forgot about me, but never I thought that I was not welcome, that Haku would be better if I wasn't there.

I cried a lot that night, it was sympathy for my stupidity, and hurt. My heart was aching. I never imagined that kind of pain, it was too difficult to accept Haku's words.

Rin came after work, and I couldn't mask my suffering, I had cried too much, and my moral was so low I couldn't see things clearly.

What did he do to you? - she shouted as she saw me.

I stopped my tears as soon as she entered the room, but my eyes were talking on my behalf.

I'm sorry I'm bringing trouble again. -

What are you talking about? - she said coming towards me and hugging me.

Haku said that he'd be happy when I'll be away. -

She kept her breath for a while. Angry.

Well, I won't. I was really looking forward to see you again, and I hope you can stay for some time. -

Those whispered words warmed my heart for a while.

I sighed. For some time I forgot about the rest of the world. For some time I forgot he wasn't the only one I wanted to see.

Thank you Rin. -

She stopped hugging me. Her face was serious again; I could see no sweetness in her eyes now.

I have to talk to you. -

Is something wrong? -

Her eyebrows rose.

I mean besides my being quite sad. - I said trying to smile.

I have to warn you. -

What is it? -

She breathed in slowly, her eyes were moving quickly, as in search of words.

Haku is not a kid anymore. -

I waited for her to continue, but she wouldn't speak. What was I supposed to say? I knew he was older now, but I liked him anyway.

Yeah…? - I commented.

She coughed a little.

You have to be careful. -

My eyes widened.

What are you talking about?-

She shook her head, then stood up.

when you were away… a lot of things happened.-

what kind of things?-

different kind.-

please explain.-

well, I can tell you only that Haku was involved in all of them.-

what are you trying to say?-

Haku is not a child anymore, he's not innocent anymore. He matured a lot, and unfortunately too much, maybe. He is really scary sometimes.-

he was like that also when we were kids.-

no. It's not the same. Haku was kind back then, he was a nice boy, he helped you.-

Are you saying that he won't do that again?-

I'm saying that he didn't do it anymore, he didn't help anyone else, and did things you can't imagine. He is so strong now, and cruel sometimes.-

what did he do?- I asked not really understanding what she was saying.

too many things to count.-

give me at least one example.-

She sighed.

Chihiro, you're coming back to your world, right? Why telling you these things? I would rather prefer you to have a good memory of him. At least we know he has one friend in the world.-

then why are you telling me?-

because I want you to feel better, to think that he changed and you don't have to take seriously what he says.-

Rin, you're confusing me.-

She turned towards the window.

Chihiro, I think he didn't forget about you, I think he's just pretending.-

well, I can see he's not that sure about what he is doing, but pretending… why?-

you are his only friend. He doesn't want you to know what he became. That's why he's trying to push you away.-

I don't understand what is your point.-

my point is that he's not that good at pretending, at least with you… I suspect that… well, anyway. What I want you to do, I don't want you to keep insisting about him. Leave him alone, and think about him as when he was a kid.-

but Rin! Have you seen him? He's not a kid at all… and he's so beautiful.-

I felt so stupid, while saying those words.

that's why I'm telling you this. He's dangerous and cruel. You should stay away from him.-

Rin I can't believe it!-

you don't believe me?-

it's not that… it's just that I believe in Haku too.

he changed.-

I understood that. But…-

no buts, Chihiro. Just be careful, ok?-

Are you asking me to avoid him?-

She nodded.

that sounds so much like a soap opera line.-

a what?-

I shook my head.

nothing.-

She looked at me for a while and then she stood up.

think about it.-

It was silent for a while, and she stood up.

you said he has only me as a friend, right?-

yeah.-

what about you? You're not his friend anymore?-

She sighed.

no, I'm not.-

and why you don't want me to know about his past.-

Chihiro… I pity him.- she whispered and then left.

Those sounds, those words, fell down on me like stones. She wasn't talking about me, and she didn't say anything about him, but I felt that day that it was all my fault, everything was my fault. Maybe it was my already bad day, but in that mood I kept repeating myself that I couldn't bring anything good to Aburaya.

_Sorry for the long delay, I am at home now and I can write a little, if someone is interested to see how this continues. Please review. And of course, thank you for reading._


	5. Old and Crazy

Chapter 5

I don't own any Spirited Away's character 

The day after, when I woke up, I felt different, my mind was clearer than the day before, the bad mood was gone, but at the same time my head was full of so many different things that I needed some time to understand what was going on.

But was it helpful enough to just think about it? If Haku wanted to push me away, why was he trying to conceal what he did? And Rin was so confusing, trying to bring me away from him but at the same time trying to keep the good memory I have.

Haku changed, ok, but I didn't expect him to be the same always, I didn't expect him to become a great man, I just wanted him, Haku.

All day I stayed there, sleeping and waking up and thinking and sleeping again. Too nervous to do anything seriously.

I shook my head and decided I wasn't going to stay in that room that night.

I tried to stand on my feet then and my leg could keep me up, even though they were trembling for some time. Too much rest, was the diagnosis I made on myself.

As soon as I got used to walking, I adventured outside.

Doing something was good to help me clear my mind.

In the hot bath station there was nobody, the silence of the night was coming. I didn't remember the place that well, but I tried to go to the boiler room, actually just taking any road that I thought could bring me in the right direction. And it took time, but I got there.

Kamaji was there, already sleeping. I stopped on the entrance. What was I doing? Why was I here?

But I didn't have the time to turn back, he had waken up and he was looking at me in daze.

so it is true, Chihiro, you're back.-

I smiled.

seems so.-

my God! You really grew up!-

well, it's been a lot of time.-

it is true indeed.-

I looked at him, I could see he was older. Not that he changed in any way, it was just a feeling.

come inside Chihiro.-

I don't want to bother you, it's time to sleep, I can come back another time.-

oh, it's okay. Come in for a while.-

I nodded kneeling on the cushion he put out for me.

so… how is life? Are your parents ok?-

yeah, they are doing fine. I'm not leaving with them anymore.-

what? Why?-

well, I got to college early and they needed to move once more, so I decided I wasn't moving. I'm leaving in a campus now.-

what's college?-

it's a school.-

oh.-

and a campus is where some students live when they are at college.-

do you miss them?-

not much. They come to visit sometimes.-

I guess it was kinda weird back then.-

why do you say that?-

well, you saved your own parents… it's not normal.-

I knew that. Things changed a lot after coming back from the spirited world. Things were easier for me, I grew up faster, but for some time I felt alone. Nobody knew about what I did, not even my parents, who were still treating me like a child.

One part of me was telling me I was crazy believing such things had happened, but at the same time, I could never forget.

For my parents it was the same as before, but I was different.

Nothing so shocking, I got used to live an easy life again… but still, I could tell the relationship was not the same anymore, I was not depending on them as much as before. I felt different.

Maybe it was bad. But I always thought it was a good thing for me.

I never cried again, and I haven't suffered that much.

Maybe I had just become insensitive, that's why the emotions Haku suggested in me were giving me such confusion.

you know, those time were so thrilling. You really gave a turn to this place.-

I laughed lightly.

I had to do it. I needed my parents back!-

He burst in a big laugh, too.

you really were such a thunder. You know, I remember the day you came here. You were so afraid… and then you saved everyone. Such an unbelievable story.-

it wasn't that much.-

it was it was. Some spirits here, they call you the river goddess.-

what?- I shouted.

well, rumours spread… and you know how it goes… the legend says you were a splendid spirit that was trapped by Yubaba, but you won the hearts of many people and found the way to escape.-

that is crazy.- I shook my head: - I wonder what they would say getting to know that it was just a little ugly human girl, and that if it wasn't for Haku I would have not be able to do anything.-

On the second I pronounced the name of the river spirit, something happened inside Kamaji, he stopped laughing, he stopped talking. He was so serious.

they don't talk about him.-

I looked at him, it was obvious, they were scared of Haku, everybody was.

we really don't want to hear that name anymore.- he whispered, and those words were so cold.

Kamaji, you, too.-

I don't want to hear that name anymore!- he shouted.

All the years that had passed seemed to fall on him now, he was old, and suffering.

I couldn't feel scared. Sorry, was the only thing he could read in my eyes.

I didn't want to shout.- he apologized.

it's okay.-

I stood up and got a blanket from the shelves near there.

but you really need to sleep now, tomorrow you have to work.-

And I put the piece of cloth on him.

Are you treating me like a crazy old spider?- he said, but I couldn't feel any angst in his voice.

I'm not, you know I'm not.-

He turned around and put himself in a sleeping position.

I stared at him for some time, till I could see his chest going regularly up and down. Asleep.

Then I silently left the room.

_Well, it's already two chapters that Haku and Chihiro didn't meet… I wonder what he's doing… ehm… yeah, I should know…;;_

_Please review._


	6. The blood I spilled

Chapter 6

I don't own any Spirited Away's character.

I came back to my room after quite sometime, but even though I had such a walk I didn't feel satisfied with the day.

I didn't want to sleep nor rest, so I went to the balcony to see how it was the night outside.

It was dark of course, not a lot of lights were still on, and I could see the stars, many stars.

With a strange idea in mind, I ran back in the room and opened all the wardrobe in search of blankets, I found some and tied them together assembling a useful rope.

Gone back to the balcony, I fixed the rope to the railing so to be able to go downstairs to the garden.

On the last part of my descent, my hands couldn't keep me anymore, and I fell down. Fortunately enough, I wasn't that high anymore and the grass was soft and humid.

I laid down there and looked up thinking.

I realized then that it was some time that I hadn't sense the presence of Haku. He was not coming anymore. Well, that was the right behaviour if he really wanted me to go away. Still it hurt.

I felt some warm tears fall down my cheeks. It made me feel so stupid again.

Then I saw something. A beautiful bird flying in the sky. But it wasn't a bird.

The bright colours of the skin sparkled in the sky.

I kept my breath. Was it Kohaku?

Haku.- I whispered.

It was pitiful to want to see him anyway, after all, but that view suddenly made me happy.

I smiled standing up and starting to run.

Haku!- I shouted.

The spirit seemed to hear my voice and looked down.

I waved my hands.

For a while he stayed there, floating far away from me.

And I felt silly again. He won't come, I thought.

Then he moved towards me and gently landed a couple of meters from me.

what are you doing out here?- he asked turning back to human feature.

I pointed at my homemade rope.

just a walk.-

and you think you can climb back up?- he asked surprised.

of course.-

If I wanted something, I had to believe in it.

He looked at me strangely.

you're lying.- he said.

you think I cannot do it?- I dared.

He paused, then shrugged.

it's none of my business anyway.-

We stood there for some time.

I knew I had many question to ask and a lot of things to say, but at that moment my mind was blank. There was nothing in it, and I was wondering why a couple of minutes ago I felt so bad.

why don't we lay down for a while?- I asked. Well, of course I sounded stupid.

And he looked at me confused.

Just to make myself more ridiculous I laid down there as to explain my words. Then I pointed at the sky.

it's nice.- I said blushing.

you're going to catch a cold.- he whispered, but after a while, he laid down too, at security distance from me.

We stayed there for a half an hour.

you have a nice sky here.- I said.

isn't it the same sky everywhere?- he wondered. His voice was soft. Was he relaxed?

Finally something came to my mind.

you know Haku. I worry about you.-

He sat up laughing.

I didn't move.

And he suddenly stopped looking at my serious gaze.

sorry.- he said. But I didn't know what he was sorry about.

are you scared of me?- I asked sitting up.

His eyes widened.

what are you talking about?-

why don't you want to tell me the truth?-

you don't want to know.-

you should stop acting.-

I'm not acting.-

what's wrong?-

nothing is wrong. My life is great, everything is great.-

Unfortunately for him his face was not really believing in what he was saying.

I looked at him angrily.

do you think I don't know you?- I shouted.

He stopped.

He wanted to say I didn't know him, but something in his eyes sparkled, and I knew he couldn't do it.

did you come back for something Chihiro? Is there something that keeps you here?-

I came back because I thought something happened to you. I saw blood in my nightmare, and I was worried.-

well, it wasn't my blood as you can see.-

it doesn't have to be an external wound, I guess.-

He stood up, and I followed him.

Are you some kind of witch? That you can predict future?-

nothing like that. It's just a feeling I have.-

and why now? Why do you think I have a wound now?-

I don't know! How can I possibly know, if you're so stubborn! You don't want me here, you don't want to talk to me.-

Chihiro, you don't understand. There IS blood here, around me-

what?-

the blood that **I** spilled.-

Something froze inside me and I wasn't able to talk anymore.

the blood of my victims.-

His voice was dark now, cold, but he wasn't looking.

Haku.- I said coming closer. I was confused, but still I wasn't afraid of him.

He pronounced strange words and grabbed my wrist tight, hurting me.

just stop it.- he said, and a dark cloud was floating around him.

stop what?- I asked ignoring the pain.

stop doing everything. You have to recover and go away.-

what if I want to stay here?-

The dark cloud suddenly disappeared.

don't.-

if I can stay. Don't you want me here with you?-

He looked at me now. I could see he was confused.

Then he shook his head and transformed into a spirit again.

His big mouth tightened around the back of my clothes and he lifted me up.

He was bringing me back to the room and landing me on the futon.

it's time to sleep.- he said. His voice was cold, but a lot more calmer. He waited for me to lay in the futon then he flew away without any word.

come back tomorrow.- I shouted behind him, and the words sounded strange to me.

I laid my head on the pillow and I saw blood in the room, all around him. My heart skipped a beat, but I breathed slowly and closed my eyes. I had to sleep. There was no use in thinking about it now, no use in scaring myself, no use to fear Haku.

Please tell me what you think about this. Thank you for everybody who left a review, it really gives me the urge to write more and quickly, so please continue.


	7. I decide to trust or not

_I don't know any Spirited Away's character._

Chapter 7

The day after I woke up in the early afternoon. The memories of the day before came flowing on me as I sat up. Watching my hands I could see them covered in blood.

I knew it wasn't reality, but it was painful. The blood Haku spilled, he was dangerous, more than dangerous.

For some reason I felt responsible, something inside me was telling me it was all my fault. But I couldn't explain that. I wasn't able to kill, I wasn't able to even think about killing, and I knew Haku was like that, too. If there were victims, no doubts there was a reason, serious reason and problems. Yubaba was the first suspect, but I still didn't know enough.

I stood up and prepared to go out, not really knowing where.

Haku was alone, somewhere.

I went out of the room and got downstairs, my first thought went to the garden, it was good for my health to walk in the open air.

I was about to go out the back door, when I saw to girls coming. Haku was behind them, looking the opposite way.

When they entered the hallway I was in, one of them collapsed on the floor crying.

I hid behind one of the corner and spied them.

joe, come on. It's nothing serious.- said the standing one, trying to console the other, but she was trembling, too.

I just… can't… stop…-

come on… stand up.- and she forced her up holding her arm.

sorry Lindsay.-

it's ok. But you have to get more brave. You know, we didn't do anything special.-

I know. But all the things they say about him… when he fix those cold eyes on you… I just can't take it.-

I can understand. But he works here, he's the responsible, so we have to talk to him sometimes.-

it's really hard… how many times did you go to talk to him?-

a couple.-

is he always like this?-

yes, or worse… it's actually calmer those days… it seems something is distracting him.-

so we've been lucky.-

yes.-

And they started going back to their work towards the hot baths.

has he always been like this?-

since I'm here, yes. But some of the old ones… they say he was a nice kid.-

but how is that possible?-

he came here really young and got under Yubaba's orders from the beginning… but… do you know the story about the river Goddess?-

the one Boh talks about…-

exactly.-

what about her?-

well, some says that he fell in love with her.-

what? He… fell… in love?-

yes, and she left him.-

that's why he's so cruel? It's seems quite a big reaction.-

yeah. But many things about that legend are strange.-

we should ask some of the old ones.-

I stopped listening. Haku was still out there, alone, looking at the sky.

I got into the garden, when the two girls were out of view range.

nice day.- I shouted running towards him.

He turned around surprised.

I see you're fine today.-

yeah, don't worry. I might be able to leave soon, as you wish.- I said sarcastically.

He laughed bitterly.

you really are not going to leave me alone, are you?-

sorry… but something… it seems to me, it is not what you want.-

well, you forget that I decide what I want.-

not really.-

He turned back to the sky.

it's your body and your feelings. It doesn't always match with what you say.- I completed my sentence.

aren't you scared of me? I told you, I did things…-

even if I'm scared, I still care too much. I want you to be ok.-

He was going to speak again but I started before him.

don't you dare say you'll be happy when I'll be gone, because I don't believe you.-

He looked at me sadly.

those girls, the one that came just a while ago. They were talking about you… they were scared… and they are because it's quite some time you're not kind to anyone, isn't it?-

kind?-

yes kind. You were a really kind boy when I met you.-

I wasn't.-

yes, you were.-

no! I wasn't. I was kind to you only.-

I took a step closer to him.

what is wrong about being nice to others too?-

I can't. It's my work.-

don't find excuses. You did it once, why can't you help others anymore?-

He looked nervously at me, but his eyes quickly turned away.

I sighed.

ok. I won't ask anymore.- I replied.

Surprisingly he shook his shoulders.

I'm sorry Chihiro. I'm not what you wanted to find coming back here.-

I step closer.

I just wanted to find you Haku. It doesn't matter if you changed.-

you say that because you don't really know, because you haven't been here all the time.-

If I had been here all the time, things would have been better.- I mumbled.

He shook his head.

you had your life to come back to.-

you had yours too. But you stayed here, and it's all my fault.-

He turned to me again. His eyes were beaming.

it's not your fault. I decided.-

well, I'm deciding now, if I want to trust you or not.-

it's not the same thing.-

I stepped closer to him and got his hand.

what are you doing?- he asked freezing.

just run.- I uttered and started to do it myself pulling him with me.

We ran hand in hand till we couldn't go on anymore.

When we stopped he was smiling. We were in a big meadow in the south part of Aburaya.

you know… I have work to do.- he protested lightly.

you're right… but I'm too tired to come back now.- I said sitting down. He did the same beside me.

you know Haku…-

yeah?-

I never felt okay in my world.-

He sighed.

why are you saying this?-

I want you to know… it's not just for you that I want to stay…-

it would be stupid on your part to stay for me.-

I just… don't want to be alone anymore.- I uttered.

He looked at me, but couldn't bring himself to say anything.

I experienced things nobody knows about… and it's sad to live in a world who won't accept anything of what I believe in.-

Silence fell between us.

After a while he stood up.

let's get back.-

I looked at him.

can we see each other sometimes from now on?-

He shrugged. But this time I knew he felt more comfortable with me.

_Please read and review. Thank you for everything. _


	8. It just doesn't work

CHAPTER 8

I could understand how Haku felt. Even if it was hard for me… I did understand him.

I did because I waited for him till I met him again. And I didn't expect him to not change, to just stop growing up and leave behind all that Aburaya meant and all its ties.

But he sacrificed himself for me, and it kills me. Because I never deserved it. If I hadn't come back, I would have never even known about it. And the thought of it is so cruel.

"you know Haku…" I told him the next day, while we were laying again on the grass of a lawn not too far from Aburaya.

"what is it?" he asked, his voice so soft.

"I'm sorry you had to stay here… for my sake… it's really bugging me."

"it was my choice."

"I wish I knew."

"why?"

"well… when I thought about coming back I always felt it wasn't right… that you had forgot about me… and now… if only I knew… I could have come back earlier."

"you couldn't… your parents would have been worried."

"I know…"

I reached for his hand and took it in mine.

"we promised once, that we would meet again."

He sighed pulling his hand away from mine.

His eyes turned to me.

"don't make it difficult for me."

I frowned.

"what do I make difficult for you?"

"you know… the whole thing… you came back… and now you feel guilty because I decided to stay here… you keep asking questions I don't want to answer… and keep trying to touch me…"

I blushed: "sorry… I can't help it… but I guess I'll try.."

"it's difficult for me."

"I'm sorry… I just want to know everything… it's… I don't know… I owe you something… and I'll listen at least for that. Since you don't want to hear my other reason."

"your other reason?"

"well… that I'm in love with you."

He sat up.

"don't say those things… it's unfair."

"unfair to who?"

"to me."

"why?"

"because no one can love me."

I smiled: "that's just a stupid thought."

"you can't love someone you haven't met for years…"

"well… I can tell you I can…"

"it's just impossible."

"just because you didn't, it doesn't mean I can't."

His fists pounced the soil.

That scene somehow broke my heart. He was hurting, but he wouldn't tell me why.

"why can't you just forget about all your worries, at least when you're with me… can't you relax, just for a while? With me?"

He sighed.

"I can't… there are so many things unsaid… and they are making me crazy."

"why don't you say them?"

"I can't… it's unfair… and I'm scared."

"but you can make yourself feel better… why don't you try?"

Haku wasn't looking at me… he didn't want to.

"aren't you scared at all? Of what I did…" his voice was a little more than a whisper. His body was tense, in expectation, even though he asked me that question before.

"mm… a little…- I confessed: - but that's because I don't know what you really did… but still… I trust you."

"you shouldn't."

"why? You are going to betray me?"

He shook his head.

"no… but… you know what I mean."

"I think you don't know yourself… why do you want me to believe you're bad?"

"because I am."

"even so… you'll never be bad with me… I'm sure about it."

"are you happy with that?"

I shrugged: "well, I can try…"

"I know you can't accept me." he continued.

"why do you act like you know everything? How can you tell how I feel and how I will behave… it's not possible."

He looked at me finally.

"I don't want to get hurt… and I don't want you to get hurt. That's the reason for everything."

"well, that will happen anyway."

"not if I'm careful about it."

"you're so stubborn… what do you think? That to me it's nothing to be always rejected by you… or getting to know you don't have any trust in me… do you think I'm happy about it?"

"it could be worse."

I sat up, my blood suddenly rushed in my veins. Angry.

"well, fuck the worst! I don't want to go on acting as if nothing is wrong, as if I'm okay that you're so cold and distant… I can tell you're hurting… and even if I can't do anything… I want at least to know why… and don't try to say anything angsty… you're making me sick."

"that's how I feel."

"well, you shouldn't… even if you say everybody should hate you… that no one can love you, that you don't deserve anything… nothing will change what I feel… and what I feel just proves that everything you say is not true, and I can't stand you saying it…"

In his eyes, something sparkled.

"I can't stop… I'm used to think that way."

I felt so stupid in that moment…

I just leaned forward and kissed his lips. His skin so soft to the touch. His eyes widened in shock.

"I'm sorry." I said starting to cry. It was too much for me, I was making a real fool of myself.

He stared at me for a moment that felt like forever. Then he just stood, and walked away.

I was so stupid. I was not worth his trust after all. I ruined all the things I achieved till that day.

What was I thinking? I cursed myself while I cried. This whole situation was making me crazy.

Everything was so wrong. And I couldn't do anything to fix it.

_Sorry it took me so long to update… Please if someone reads, tell me what you think… it really keeps me writing.. Thank you to all that reviewed till now._

_Oh, I finally changed the -..- with ".." for the dialogues… hope it's better this way… I'll do the previous chapters soon, too.._

_I don't know any Spirited Away's character._


	9. What I did

CHAPTER 9

I was surprised the next day, when opening the door Haku was standing in front of it.

I instinctively blushed and looked at the floor.

"mm… hi." I said embarrassed.

"Yubaba wants to see you." he uttered coldly.

I raised my eyes. His face was so pale, he didn't look like he had slept that night.

"something's wrong?" I asked worriedly.

He just shrugged and started walking away.

"Haku." I called him.

"follow me, I'll bring you to her office."

I did as he suggested, running a little to catch up with him, took one of his wrist.

"was what I did yesterday so wrong?" I whispered while he froze at the touch.

He didn't turn to me.

"Please… just leave me alone."

"what if I don't want to?" I replied boldly, even though deep inside me my heart was sinking in shame.

"Why do you care so much?" he asked, his cold eyes finally piercing mine.

"why do you push me away?"

"it's safer… for everyone."

I slapped him. Too late I realized how crazy I was acting.

"I'm sick and tired of this excuse… it won't do anymore… I'm not giving up, I want to stay here and stay with you… if you really want me to leave you alone you'd have to kill me."

"why are you so careless?"

He was angry.

"I thought it was clear already… there's just one thing I care in this world… in any world… and I'm trying hard not to lose it… that's why I'm acting like I am."

For a long time, we just stared at each other. I thought I saw his cheeks redden, but I couldn't be sure. His eyes were so cold, even though they were widened in shock as he processed what I said.

"that's just childish." he commented.

"how can you say this." I snapped.

"you should have something else… something more important to care about."

"you think I wouldn't like to have something else? But it can't be… I can't change what I feel, and neither I want to."

He sighed.

"let's just go… Yubaba's waiting for us."

"is pushing me away the only thing you're able to do?" I continued angrily.

"do you think it's fun for me?"

"then, why?"

"I told you thousands of times…"

"you're telling me you're just some random coward who can't even try to date a girl because he's too scared of getting hurt?"

His eyes widened again, he shifted his weight.

"I've already been hurt." he confessed. His voice so low.

I blinked a couple of times.

"d-did you go out… with someone?"

He rolled his eyes.

"it's you. It's just you."

I frowned.

"but I'm here now Haku… we could try."

His eyes moved, as in search of something, they landed on me, then on the floor. My hand let go to his wrist to reach for his hand.

I stepped closer.

A yelp made us turn around.

"you guys, what are you doing here?" said a blushing Rin.

She walked closer to get my hand and pulled me away from Haku.

"Yubaba's waiting for you."

"I know, but…" I tried to say.

"no buts… you just go!" she finished , forcing me out the door.

Haku just silently followed us.

In two more minutes I was standing in the back of Yubaba's office, while Haku watched from behind leaning on the frame of the door.

"shitsurei shimasu…" I stammered embarrassed. The figure on the chair was nothing like what I remembered. It was a far more older lady, half of his wrinkled face was covered with a black gown, there was something gloomy on her, and scary.

"welcome back, Chihiro." she said sort of smiling.

"thanks." I replied not really sure about what I was doing here.

"it's so strange for humans to come here, you know. I didn't expect you to ever come back."  
"well, I didn't plan on it, either. Even though I wanted too."

"and how's that? You wanted to see your little friends again?"

"yeah, sort of." I responded quite confused. Was she making fun of me?

"please sit down. I surely don't want to keep you standing."

I knew for sure Haku's eyes were firm on my back, controlling my every movement.

Yubaba smirked.

"I was told you want to stay here… permanently." she continued, while I was sitting on the armchair in front of her.

"yeah, I would like that."

"you don't need you mum and dad anymore?"

I nodded.

"you want so much to stay with your childhood friend Haku, don't you? It's such a sweet thing from you."

"I do."

"you're willing to do another contract with me?" she asked. Haku moved quite quickly, catching my attention, he was firmly looking into the witch's eyes.

"You promised…" he started, but she held up one wrinkled hand to stop him.

"I know… I want to know what she wants first." she explained.

"I would like to work here… freely… with my name… I'll work hard." I said trying to sound confident.

Yubaba shook his head.

"do you think I can accept you like this? With nothing in exchange?"

Haku took another step forward. The witch glared at him.

"well, your friend here wants to keep you under his protective wing, and I'll compel to his wish… he has been working so good for me in these years… so I guess I'll let you stay… you can help Rin with her work."

I smiled incredulous. It was far more easier than I thought.

"but I hope you'll try to convince him to give in at my last request."

I looked at Haku.

"what is it?"

"I'm trying to convince him to marry… a powerful witch in the north is asking to unite the powers with him."

I paled. Marriage?

"I believe he's quite young."

"he is… and he's always so useful indeed… but she promised me he could keep working here."

"I have no intentions to accept the proposal." Haku said forcefully.

"oh poor Haku… we all know where your heart belongs… but you're a spirit, a quite powerful one, you can't just have a relationship with a simple human… you'd destroy her mind."  
I stood up angrily, but I couldn't talk, I really didn't know what to say.

She smirked, and I thought I saw her eyes beaming.

"I believe you have no idea of what Haku did in this years, have you?"

"I don't." I replied as coldly as I could.

"his missions were very dangerous… he came back always victorious though… and bringing back with him the head of the rivals, too."

I gulped in shock, but tried as much as I could to not think about what she was saying.

"he flooded a village six months ago, to take back at a landlord who was acting quite suspiciously. And he indeed was right.."

"a v-village?" I asked trembling.

"and you remember my sister, don't you? He won on her too… and was able to get back her house…"

"did she die?" I demanded stepping forward.

"yes, of course."

I turned to Haku, his eyes were looking at nothing, empty nothing in front of him.

And I couldn't help, tears started to flow.

I felt all the pain he caused, and all the pain he felt in that moment, while I was realizing all he did, with a full blow to my heart.

"I'm sure everything's okay." I said finally and turned to the door.

"so, you're sure you want to stay?" she asked, his voice was sarcastic.

"I'm sure." I said feigning confidence. And I left the room.

I wasn't abandoning him, I wasn't.

_Please review if you read through this._

_Thank you for all the ones that reviewed till now. Hope now the story is a little clearer. And also thanks for the constructive criticism, it's really useful, so I can make this fic better._

_I don't own any Spirited Away' characters._


	10. I can't

CHAPTER 10

I'll never forget that day.

I ran out of Yubaba's office and locked myself in my room.

I sat on the futon with my hands on my face.

Nothing rational came to my mind, just images of destruction, and blood, and fear.

It was like I could see all the victims of Haku's doing. Their faces and their sufferings.

They were all in my head, screaming.

All the people that had suffered, why?

The sudden realization that made my heart break was that there was no reason, no logical reason for what he did.

No self defence, just cruelty, cruel attacks on innocents.

And Zeniba, the one that helped us. How could he do that?

We owned her. We did. But she was dead now and it felt like I had killed her.

I think I threw up a couple of times that night.

I couldn't understand anymore. I was hurting and sick of everything.

Because he was cruel, because Yubaba was cruel.

How did he do it? How can he look at himself with what he did? How can he breathe again after all he had done?

It wasn't fair. It wasn't.

Haku was right from the beginning, I couldn't stay with him, I couldn't stay with the person he became.

And I was just stupid, for believing in all of it.

Now all the horror of it came crashing on me, swallowing me, and I thought I really was going crazy.

I kept having hallucinations, with all those voices inside my head.

But the only sound in the room was the one of my sobs.

My tears rolled on the futon, soaking it. It was evening already.

When I realized it, I stood up.

Walking in a circles, my mind started to work frantically and insanely.

In my world I was sure, I had a family and a comfortable life.

Why did I came here at all?

Why was I supposed to care?

There was nothing I remembered here. Haku, my Haku wasn't here anymore. He was covered in blood now, and I was mistaking from the beginning.

Rin was right, I shouldn't have tainted the innocent memory I had of Haku.

I destroyed it all, and I wasn't sure I could survive that. I couldn't face it.

I loved no one for eight years, because the one I loved never really existed.

It was all, all in my head.

Because he did it, he killed them, consciously, aware of what he was doing.

He took people's life.

I had to run away… there was nothing here for me.

In my world I could push away all of it.

In my world I was safe.

I could cage those memories, those things they told me, inside a dark part of me, it would be like a nightmare, not really true or real.

Haku would kill me too, Haku would hurt all the people I love.

I punched the wall, angrily.

It hurt.

But my mind finally went blank.

My knees went weak and I fell on the floor.

What was I doing?

Why only the day before was I so sure everything was okay?

Who was going to care for all those victims?

I closed my eyes. I was going to faint. Finally.

_Okay, sorry it's short, and the story doesn't go on in this chapter, but I had to do this. Chihiro can't be so strong to feel unaffected by all that. Thanks to everyone that reviewed, it's really useful for me, please review this chapter, too. I was wondering if I should bring Boh into the story… but I'm not sure how he would be… does he grow into normal size person? And how old would he be?_

_Oh, yeah, I don't own any Spirited Away's character._


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